Hello, welcome to my channel…Oops blog post. These streets have been quite cold. This girl has been hiding from everything. Is the right word hiding (insert thinking emoji here)? Maybe, maybe not! I actually have realized that increasingly, my friends have been saying I have been a little quiet, I don’t show up as I did previously and maybe I am a little reserved. Is it true? Yes. There are some holes that you can fall into unconsciously.
For those who know me a little more than the surface, you know life has sometimes thrown curve balls and given me lemons or should I say guavas? And yes, I have made the best guava juice I could possibly be able to, with both ripe and unripe guavas. I hear many call me strong and partly I believe it. But I also know that strength is relative to the observer. For a long time, when the Mister was sick, I stood through it all and fought and held on to my faith with every little thing I had. It worked. I made it. He is a walking miracle, one I have seen literally being pulled from the enemy’s jaws by a faithful God. Fast forward to now, healing continues by the day and truly I am still in awe.
What happened to the “strength” I supposedly had? I think it was a defence mechanism. Super girl, just jumped out and took charge. She prayed, believed, worked, nurtured, basically stretched herself out completely. It worked well for as long as it could, until the reality of carrying the load that came with it began to show. Slow at first but catching on pretty heavy lately. This sounds so strange because from the normal eye view, I should be less stressed, relieved and getting back to normalcy. And for some time, I honestly thought I was until I started to feel exhausted and frustrated with everything. I do literally mean, EVERYTHING. Its hard to manage running a home in all its aspects, tough times at work, your mind (which fights with itself) and many other dynamics.
The answer to the question how I was doing, became automatic without even thinking through it. I would always answer, “I am good / okay / fine.” The inner circle though began to see the strain, but I still saved face or at least tried to. Friends and family would say, if you need help, feel free to ask. Does one ever really feel free? I am not too sure. Everyone in life is going through something tough, the magnitude I believe, is what is different. And yes, you know the help is genuinely offered but you are afraid. I’m not really sure of what.
Back to the present, I am grateful for the people who don’t give up at the “I am good answer”. Those who push a little further, those who pray for me, those who call to make me laugh or even talk about themselves (especially because they know I will only give the fake answers when they ask about me) and throw an encouragement in there because that’s the best way they know how, the ones who say they want to hangout and sample food or a drink (flavoured milk of course). For those who ambush me and force to show up at my house, especially because they know I will always say I am busy. Thank you very much for cracking the shell in your own way. I have been going to a dark place without me fully realizing it and to be honest that’s how depression creeps in faster than you can butter the second slice. Yesterday in the middle of my insomnia and chest issues, I watched an amazing video about a couple who have been married for ten years with a blended family of six lovely children. My greatest take home from them was they got professional help to be able to sustain they family and get along. It was difficult and, on some levels, still is. And they do visit counsellors once in a while, both at an individual and at a family level. Point of my narrative is I will also go back to my professional help. I have been dodging it, I don’t even know why. Even as I do that, always check on your people. If you notice something different, be persistent enough to follow up. Don’t think of being in their space, you are required to be there during such times. They will appreciate you more for it, once they are back to their normal state of mind. I will continue with my narration, even though it’s a bit personal for the purposes of helping someone else or even myself. This is a heavy one so I will leave it there for now.
Feel free to leave a comment or encourage. Chao